*********

Dear Clay Aiken,

Please please please please PLEASE sing "Build me up, buttercup" at our wedding.

Love,

Your Future Wife and Biggest Fan

**********

Dear Makers of All That is Good and Holy,

I am your bitch.

Signed,

Your Bitch

**********

Dear Sweet, Sweet M*stercard(s),

Thank you very much for supporting my habit. My CD buying habit, that is. Because of you, I have purchased these CDs in the past month and a half: the second "Moulin Rouge" CD, John Mayer - "Room for Squares", highlights from Mozart's "Don Giovanni", the "Phantom of the Opera" original cast recording, one college marching band CD, three college orchestra concert CDs, the "Forrest Gump" soundtrack, Lauryn Hill - "The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill", Sibelius - "Finlandia"/"Karelia"/etc., Nirvana - "In Utero", Nine Inch Nails - "The Downward Spiral", Jeff Buckley - "Grace", Stravinsky - Ballets ("Petrouchka"/"Firebird"/"Rite of Spring"/"Orpheus"), Hindemith - "Mathis der Maler"/"Symphonic Metamorphosis", Queen's Greatest Hits, The Who - "Tommy", The Jefferson Airplane/Jefferson Starship/Starship VH1 Behind the Music collection, Lynryd Skynyrd's Greatest Hits, Debussy - Piano Works/String Quartet no. 1/"Suite Bergamesque", Green Day - "Dookie", Green Day - "International Superhits", Johan de Meij - Symphony no. 1: "The Lord of the Rings", and the Jimi Hendrix Experience's Smash Hits. I pay my bills as soon as I get them. If you would like to raise my credit limit so that I might further support my habit, please feel free to do so.

Thank you,

The Girl That Pays Her Bills As Soon As She Gets Them

**********

Dear Diaryland,

You rock.

Sincerely,

Just Another Diary-writin' Foo'

***********

Dear Former Flute Teacher "Bitchy McEvil",

I just wrote something really mean and horrible but I erased it. I probably shouldn't have. Besides your select few favorites, I can't think of a single person in your studio who liked you unconditionally. After my first orchestra concert junior year, when I was nervous and had a bad cold and schlepped my way admirably through two very difficult pieces, the first thing you said to me was "You missed the high B in your solo!" On one momentous occasion, you told me to give up music entirely, because "you were worried about my future" and that "I should try the medical field because there will be a lot of jobs available". I'm sorry lady, but music is not just a "job" to me as it must be to you. I have a temporary "job". Music is my path, my soul, my way of life, my everything. I have a long way to go, but I assure you, I will save you front row seats for my first concert as principal flute of your soon-to-be former orchestra.

Most completely INsincerely,

The One that WILL Prove You Wrong, You Fucking Bitch (oops)

*********

Dear Sears,

I work in the shoe department of your store here in Craptown. I sell shoes. I think I should be allowed to wear open-toed shoes. And sneakers. I promise I will always keep my toenails painted with this pretty shimmery greenish purple change-y color-y stuff, so my feet look pretty. And sneakers are just comfortable. Also, please try to start carrying some narrow width shoes because I don't know how to deal with the old ladies who think I am just hiding them in the back out of spite.

Yours truly,

Your Best Employee

P.S. Sometime, I think the cryogenically frozen remains of Mr. Sears and Mr. Roebuck should leave their vault in the Seven-Eleven in Iowa and go on tour from store to store. It would boost company morale and would also just be really, really cool.

*************

Dear people of Craptown,

Stop being so stupid. Also, please visit Sears tomorrow between 12 and 3 and sign up for a Sears card wherever the girl with the long, curly hair is working (not in the shoe department). At least three of you need to do this anyway. Because tomorrow is the last of the month, and I would really like my extra $10 for once.

Thank you,

Your Favorite Shoe Schmuck

***********

Dear Mom and Dad,

Happy Anniversary, you fucktards. Not that that means anything anymore, but oh well. I still watch the Kentucky Derby every year, simply because that's where you went on your cheap-ass, last minute honeymoon. Sometimes I look at your wedding pictures, and it makes me cry like a little baby. You were so happy once. What happened? Nevermind. I should rejoice in the fact that you were happy once. I love you both very much.

Love,

Sarah

P.S. Because of you, I will never ever smoke anything, ESPECIALLY pot.

***********

Dear My Darling and Favorite Sister,

I have come to the conclusion that yes, you will indeed get your license before me. Please take me out driving this summer. Also, never ever smoke anything. Also, go to college at Princeton. No wait, Yale. No, I meant Juilliard. Fuck all of that- you know where you should go to school. At the place that gives really good financial aid to the kid sisters of alumni.... Hell, maybe you can have my old marching band uniform. ;) You are my favorite person in the entire world because you know exactly who you are, and you kick my ass on a regular basis and help me figure out who I am, because I obviously haven't a clue. I love you kiddo.

Love,

Your Brilliant and Beautiful Older Sister :)

***********

Dear Elana the Great,

Thank you for giving me a new vocabulary word today. Not only does "fucktard" describe the stupidity of people in general, it describes the stupidity of my parents to a tee.

Thanks very much,

Sarah :)

**********

Dear Tahiti,

What is the state of your mango farming industry today? No matter what, I think I can help revitalize it. Please send a one way ticket. Thank you.

Sincerely,

THE Mango Farmer

*********

Dear "ssssss/iiiiii/llllll/yyyyyy/etc.",

Thank you for reading my diary. Please leave more entertaining anonymous guestbook notes. They make me laugh.

With great respect,

A Famous Writer from the Fairy Tale Land

**********

Dear Michaela,

Thanks for the note. :)

Sarah:)

**********

Dear Chloe the Wonder Cat,

Please stop leaving your hairs all over my black shirts. Thank you.

Love ya,

Your human pet

**********

Dear Flute Teacher at the Grad School,

Thank you so much for all of your support. For me, to have been accepted to each school I applied to for flute performance (!) was just a crazy impossible dream. In fact, going on auditions, for me, was just a means of gaining some experience. But to find people like you at such a great school, and then be accepted at that school, was simply just awesome (words are failing me here). I don't think I was really ready to go away to school last fall. But thank you for still believing in me, enough to leave a spot open for me in your studio based on an audition from over a year ago. Simply incredible. I hope I can do you proud, whenever I get down there.

Sincerely,

Your Future Favorite Student

*********

Dear cordless phone,

Do not ring when I am in the shower. Ever again. Because I am foolish enough to answer you.

Sincerely,

A Dumbass

**********

Dear basketball,

I still hate you, no matter who is in your house or my house, and I believe we both know the answers to those questions.

Yours quite truly and truthfully,

A Person Who is Still Bitter About the Kindergarten Incident

*********

Dear flute,

I will practice you one of these days. Really. You and I will eat the Prokofiev for breakfast.

With utmost respect,

Diva #5

*********

Dear Pretzel Company,

Do you make gift baskets?

Sincerely,

An Interested Party

*********

Dear President Supreme Buttmunch,

When is your birthday?

Sincerely,

A Person Who Voted for Gore

*********

Dear ? (Maybe I'm talking about a Reason? I have no clue.),

I can not come up with any words to fill this space. So I should shut up.

Nor do I know how to sign this, other than just

Sarah

*********

I think that should about do it. Have a splendiferous night all. :)

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