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2002-08-09 - 8:38 p.m.

Let's see. I began the day at 5 AM when a friendly talking parrot flew in the window, carrying a sack of potatoes. The parrot dropped the potatoes on my head and then said "Wake up." As my cat then started going bonkers chasing the thing around the room, I said, "Fair enough. I do have an 8 AM flight to Tahiti."

So then I scrambled around, attiring myself in jeans, t-shirt, sneakers, and jewelled cowboy hat, and scarfed down two Little debbie fudge rounds for breakfast. I met Jeeves, my chauffeur, outside, as he was standing impatiently by my silver BMW stretch limosine. Off we sped to the airport, as I relaxed on the leopard print cushions, sipping orange juice out of a champagne glass while watching cartoons.

At the airport, I rushed off to board my semi-private jet to Tahiti (I'd be sharing the flight with Joaquin Phoenix, Hillary Clinton, Benji, and the Artist formerly known as the Artist formerly known as Prince). Of course, before I left Jeeves, I said "Make sure the cat has plenty of water and doesn't eat the friendly parrot flying around the room. I'd like to name him Bob and present him as a gift to the next royal I meet on my diplomatic travels."

At any rate, this was a really fast jet, and there are about 25 different time zones between here and Tahiti, so we arrived in Tahiti at about noon Tahiti time. Hillary went off to negotiate with the local government on the issue of mango imports, the Artist formerly known as the Artist formerly known as Prince went to a jam session with the island's leading polka band (I believe it's called something like Fred and the Dancing Mangoes, but I'm not sure), Benji went to examine the mango-shaped fire hydrants with a little chihuahua named Miss Bitsy, and Joaquin Phoenix and I went out to explore.

At this point, I was pretty hungry, so I said to Joaquin, "I could go for a mango sandwich." Joaquin said, "That's the best idea I've heard all day." So we stopped at a nearby McDonalds (I've heard that in some places, McDonalds offers uniquely regional faire). We were handed our food by the manager himself, who actually looked a little like Gary Coleman. It's hard to say though, because it appeared that my cousin Bobo (the one who saw the UFO that told him to come to America) was working the other register.

We took our lunch to go, and munched on mango delicacies as we strolled around the island scouting out locations for my future mango farm. Joaquin was sad that we couldn't stay all day so he and I could watch the sunset on the beach together. ;) Anyway, this was pretty tiring, so before we had to catch the 3PM jet back we stopped for a super-caffeinated mango soda to try to wake us up. We were disappointed to learn that Benji had decided to stay in Tahiti with Miss Bitsy. On the way back, Joaquin and I played Scattergories with Hillary Clinton. The Artist formerly known as the Artist formerly known as Prince fell asleep, as he was pretty tired from learning the accordion and all. I lost at Scattergories because I kept trying to use the words mango, chinchilla, and flibberdigibbet for every answer, and of course, being a senator and all, Mrs. Clinton decided that that was breaking the rules.

So Jeeves met me at the aiport with the stretch Beamer. I was in the mood for a swim, so we stopped at the nearest YMCA and they immediately let me in because it was "Free Admission for All Those Wearing Cowboy Hats Day". Strangely enough, not too many were in the pool taking advantage of this offer. So I doggy-paddled a few laps (still in my clothes and cowboy hat, as I had forgotten my bathing suit of course- I think the friendly parrot was trying to tell me not to forget that when I was walking out the door in the morning, but I wasn't sure) with four other swimmers: Former President Gerald Ford, Flipper, Marilyn Manson, and Dolly Parton.

After that, I was pretty tired. The friendly emu at the door gave me a fudge round for the road. The emu didn't say anything at all, actually. So I climbed in the limo, and Jeeves drove me home. And then I sat down here and started writing about my day. I think I'm due for a nap, as the cat is sleeping on top of the TV, but strangely, the parrot is nowhere to be found.

So am I insane, really bored, or just a pathetic loser? Perhaps all of the above. Because all I really did today was work. Because it's Friday night and I'm about to go pass out asleep like an old woman. Because work is bad. :P

(Bob the Friendly Parrot, coming to a saaaaaad mental delusion near you. Gary Coleman also scheduled to appear.)


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