And the Devil said, "Let there be basketball!" And God said, "Noooooooooooooooo! Nooooooooo!" 2003-03-24 - 1:27 a.m.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth and the light and the darkness. And it was good. Then God created the trees and the grass and the animals and the flute and Borders. And it was good, because then God created the sale. Then God decided to let the monkeys evolve for a while. And then there was man. Then God thought that the poor ape men need a civilizing influence, creatures who would know to leave the toilet seat down and would know when to ask for directions. So God created woman. And all was hunky-dory, because Woman decided that Ape-Man needed a shave. So woman created razor. And it was good. To celebrate all this goodness, God brought manna unto the wilderness and entertainment for the theaters. God called these things Half Baked ice cream and the concept of the movie trilogy. And it was good.
But one day God decided to take the day off to play Skee-ball in Jersey. On this day, the Devil, this time taking the appearance of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named (a "basketball" coach- shhhhhh!), created a sport. To play this sport, one runs up and down a tiny little rectangular floor bouncing a ball around and sometimes throwing it into a tiny little hoop. This bouncing the Devil called "dribbling". The Devil wanted to commemorate the streams of saliva running down the faces of women and ape-men who were somehow cajoled into witnessing this horrible sport. Because the Devil wanted to celebrate the fact that the ape-men, and more importantly, the women, were losing brain cells every minute by watching this sport.
And the Devil called this sport "basketball".
And it was bad. It was very bad.
God got back from her Skee-ball tournament in Jersey and wrote "You Oughtta Know". Because she was mad at the Devil, and the ape-men. And then God got still madder, because innocent marching band geeks were being lured into the evil celebratory ensemble of the evil sport. The Devil called this "pep band". And it was bad. It was very, very bad. God was sad. The innocent band geeks had been used to singing her praises, in the ensemble that they called "marching band". And God wrote "Ironic", because God was wondering why all the innocent band geeks left the paths of righteousness to sing the praises of the Devil in the "pep band", with the evil hymn they called "Peter Gunn".
And the Devil was gleeful. Because his basketball ape-men traveled the land spreading his evil message. And it was very, very, very bad.
And God has not had a new single in a while.
And somewhere, an old Indian is standing in a field. A single tear runs down his cheek.
And that, good people, is why basketball is evil. Heed not the evil message. Much ice cream will be promised you in the Ben & Jerrydom of heaven. Amen.