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More wannabe virtuosos next week on American Flute Diva!
2003-01-23 - 1:44 a.m.


Alright. So I have had an apostrophe. No, I don't mean epiphany. This is not serious enough for an epiphany. This is well beneath a revelation. This is an apostrophe.

Since the Fox channel is *obviously* experiencing a serious lack of reality television shows (surely the constant documentaries, televised operas, foreign films, and otherwise educational programming is starting to get a little bit old), I have come up with a brilliant idea that will fill the void.

“American Flute Diva”

You have the judges:

-Sir James G----- - Irish flautist extraordinaire. The Man. Mr. Flute Diva. Also has a cool accent.

-Mrs. Bitchy McEvil (not her real name)- Principal flautist of the Bumblefuck (not a real place-name) Symphony Orchestra and teacher at Bumblefuck University. Makes everyone cry at least once. During a lesson. Is the world’s leading exporter of diamonds, produced from the lumps of coal stuck very far up her ass.

-The weird guy that works in an office building in downtown Bumblefuck- Played flute in fourth grade because he thought it would “get chicks”. Therefore knows everything there is to know about the flute.

*

The goal:

The contestants on “American Flute Diva” polish off their Prokoviev Sonatas, the “Carmen” Fantasies, their Mozart Concertos, their Jethro Tull skills, and even their Breeze Easy Book Twos for a chance to hear these magic words: “You’re going to Tanglewood.” (that’s a place in Massachusetts where snooty musicians congregate and play music and stuff and try and figure out who’s the best and sometimes have diic- I mean trombone-measuring contests, i.e. “My slide is bigger than yours. I will impress that hott clarinet player over there tonight during our orchestra concert.” “Hey man, it’s not the length of the slide, it’s how you use it. See that percussionist chick with the big maracas? She and I played duets for four hours last night.” “Damn!”)

*

The locations:

-Bumblefuck (not a real place-name)- East coast hotbed for flute players named Sarah. Home of Bitchy McEvil.

-Kennebunkport- People from here just kick ass. The very air exudes ultra-liberalism and a swinging good time. A flute player’s dream is to relocate here.

-Area 51- Who knew that these scientists pickle alien brains by day, and are wannabe flute divas by night?

-Boise- Idaho is known for its potatoes. Potatoes are a source of key nourishment for flute players, i.e. French fries, and vodka.

-Death Valley- We don’t care if you’ve spent 6, 60, or 600 days in the desert. Trumpet players are monkeys and flute players always come up with the best t-shirts.

*

The contestants (some examples):

-Kennebunkport- Lindsay, age 17

Bitchy: So Lindsay, what are you going to play for us?

Lindsay: I’m going to play the Ibert Concerto (a really, really, really hard piece) because it is my dream to become a flute diva because I love you weird guy and I’ve been playing the flute since I was three months old (that is slightly impossible).

Lindsay’s flute: notes nooooooootes SQUEAK notes notes SQUEAK SQUEAK

Sir James: I’m speechless, I’m literally speechless. You’re quite possibly the worst flute player in the world.

Weird Guy: Do yourself a favor and switch to the kazoo.

Lindsay: (runs off, sobbing)

*

-Death Valley- Sven, age 28

Bitchy: My goodness, it is hot. All this sweating will cause me to get a hair out of place. What would you like to play for us, Sven?

Sven: I will be playing example one from page one in Breeze Easy Book One.

Sven’s flute: phkljifgoiurekjdhfffttthhh

Weird guy: So Sven, how long have you been playing?

Sven: Six years.

Weird guy: That’s amazing, because I played better than you in fourth grade. AND I convinced Maisie Smith to go out with me. You’re just not cut out to be a flute diva.

Sven (to the camera outside the audition room): !%@!@#%&*!!!##@!!!!!!

*

-Area 51- Jamal, age 20

Sir James: So, Jamal, did aliens really land here?

Jamal: I could tell you, but then I’d have to kill your flute.

Sir James: Fair enough. What are you going to play?

Jamal: I’d actually like to play “Unbreak my heart” by Toni Braxton.

Jamal’s flute: note note note *really nice note* note

Bitchy: That was great. I say yes to Tanglewood. Weird guy?

Weird Guy: Yes.

Sir James: You’re going to Tanglewood!

Jamal: Woohoo! I love you guys!

*

-The audition room in Boise:

Crickets: (make cricket noises)

Bitchy: Where is everyone?

Weird Guy: Who cares?

*

-Bumblefuck- Sarah, age 22

Bitchy: So Sarah, we meet again. You really think you have what it takes to be a flute diva?

Sarah: You’re damn straight I do. I’ll flash Weird Guy to prove it. (flashes Weird Guy)

Weird Guy: (wipes drool off face) See? See? What’d I tell you?

Sir James: You stupid Americans. So Sarah, what are you going to play?

Sarah: An original composition, actually. I call it “The Mango Farmer Dance”

Sarah’s flute: (if the sound of heaven could be described, this would be it)

Sir James: Thank you God! Yes to Tanglewood.

Weird Guy: Thank you God! Yes to Tanglewood.

God: Wow. I mean, uh, you’re welcome. Can anyone hook me up with front row seats to hear this girl play at Tanglewood?

Bitchy: (looks evil and skeptical) I don’t know. She flashed Weird Guy. And, uh, uh I hate her because she is secretly better than me and she could take my job if any of the conductors in Bumblefuck heard her play!

Sir James: Bitchy, it looks like you’re overruled. Sarah, see you in Tanglewood. And can I have your autograph?

Sarah: (grins happily)Asdkjlkjfsdkshh!!!

**************

There you have it folks. This idea will save the Fox network. I am a genius.

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