Naturally today (yesterday really) was anti-climactic compared to the previous day, the greatest birthday ever. Why is it I'm feeling suddenly mopey again when I realize that I'm going to be stuck with four more months of blah? I'm going to wake up in several hours and absolutely everyone I know will be at various colleges resuming classes in various degrees. Am I actually jealous that everyone and their brother is in school this semester and I'm not? I could be!!!! I could be jealous, and in school. HA. But it all comes back to that two-headed citation- monetary woes and a summer filled with such... what? Depression? Pain? Torment? And how much of it did I bring upon myself?

I guess I've come to the realization that I'm unbelievably lonely. I've spent much of my life being quiet and scared of people. It takes me so long to make friends, yes, but when I do, I make friends for life, so it hurts so much more when they start pushing me away. Because I tend to stay the same, quiet, plodding, sheltered person who must be too simple or boring to hold a lifelong interest. Why I am such a silly fool to place so much importance on a trip to Denny's for late-night pie and a long, laughter-filled talk once in a while, or a card on a birthday. Even a five-minute phone call just to say "Happy Birthday"???? I NEVER forget a birthday. And on the rare occasion that I do, they certainly get brownies afterwards. Or at least a whole fuckload of guilt on my part.

So what is the point of dragging myself through lots of spiritual mud again? I think I just want someone to give me a hug, lie to my face and say "Everything's going to be alright", then take me to Denny's for some pie. It won't take very long, I know there's more interesting people in the world that are more worthy of time being spent with them. The world won't stop spinning for an hour to notice one lonely girl. I may never change from one year to the next, but shouldn't loyalty and steadfastness stand for something? And quiet people make good listeners.

All I wanted was a good birthday and I got it. Tenfold. And thank you so much to those who spent the day with me and God maybe? Or past versions of myself, who, after having gone through eight reincarnations through eight years of horrible/semi-horrible band camp birthdays, wanted to send me at 22 a little bit of redemption? Thanks go to whomever they are due. I mean that with all my heart.

But I want something else now too. I'm not even sure what it is. I'm not sure what I deserve though, as apparently I have too little to give to hold people's interest for too long. Loyalty can be taken to mean clinginess. People don't like that.

Well. I'm not sure what I wrote just now and I'm not sure I care to read it over. This was like my senior recital- my mind was in such a fog of misery that I'd rather just let it sit for a while. At any rate, I should get back to it and resign myself to existence for the next four months. Who knows, maybe I'll be lucky and get a few glimpses at life.

First I should take out the garbage.

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