-Why does my fabric softener smell so good? Who needs deoderant or perfume. Why not dab a little "Eau de Snuggle" on the wrists and under the arms. Fantabulous.

-What does the "H" in Jesus H. Christ stand for? Howard? Harold? Herbert? Harry? Hugh? "Heavenly Deity"? "Hard Ass Sin Disposal"? I would really like to know.

-Why do so many goddamn people shop at Sears in this town? And why do they all expect me to know where everything is? In a month of working there, I have been asked the location of women's belts, men's belts, backpacks, pot holders, dishcloths, duvet covers, ladies coats, mens coats, kids coats, drapes, curtains, Backgammon game sets, shoes, socks, the photo studio, the automotive department, and the bathroom. Do I look like a tour guide? At least try and find these things yourself before you have to ask me. Because I probably don't know. I don't even know what the hell a duvet cover is.

-Why is it that whenever I call my sister, she always has to pee? Do I really have that kind of effect on people?

-Actually no. People forget about me not because I'm boring or because I have negative effects on the bladders of others, but because my intelligence and general cuteness/amazingness is much more than they can stand. My mother always did tell me not to look directly at the sun.

-What are the squirrels thinking about when they stare at me through the window? Halloween is coming up. Are they planning some kind of altercation that will be the first step to their evil plans of world domination?

-Really, why does my black cat have such an annoying tendency to get hairs all over my black shirts?

-Peach Dum Dums are good. That's all.

Well, that does it for my wonderments this afternoon. I'm off to go do more laundry and to continue to try to get high on fabric softener.

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