Two e-mail addresses and no e-mail. A buddy list with many away messages. A mailbox filled with junk snail mail. An answering machine with no messages. I suppose I'm foolish to think that I really matter to anyone. Except maybe my sister. But she and my mom are six states away.

Just because I have no life do I really think anyone will interrupt theirs to notice me? I don't have anything of any interest to give. I'm too quiet and too boring.

Here I'll admit this to the world: *deep breath* I'm 22 years old and I have no driver's license. For no real reason, except I just never got around to it. Unfortunately most people relate usefulness as a human being to whether or not they can mooch a ride off someone, or expect someone to have their own transportation to wherever the hangout will be. In high school, as my friends got their licenses one by one, I was always too proud to ask them for a ride home from school, if we had to stay after for meetings or practices or things. Instead I suffered hours on the late bus that went off into the boondocks to drop off one person, before turning around to go back into the city to drop of the rest of the bus. I didn't want to be a burden. Even though I lived much closer to the high school than many of them, and my house was generally on the way...

The one thing I can DO, really, is play the flute. That's the only time I can pretend to be a confident, self-assured person. But how can I even put on this act if the people I care about don't come to hear me play?

I need top stop doing this to myself. All my problems are self-inflicted, and I need to get over the idea that the world owes me anything. I've got to try to find things to look forward to. Unfortunately, positivity is not one of my virtues.... *another deep breath*.

Ok. Today I can go to the store. That's easy. Besides, the cat needs to eat. Cat food I can get. Tomorrow I might get that audition. Playing in an ensemble again will give me some direction. I will look for a job soon. Who knows, I might find one I actually like. The time will fly by, and it will be January. I'll be in graduate school. Then it won't matter that people around here don't notice me when I'm actually here.

"Running over the same old ground, what have we found? The same old fears. Wish you were here." That's pretty much my life. Just a useless wish from a quiet, boring, fearful, little girl.

Someone please just tell me it'll be alright? I'll accept brain waves or happy thoughts....

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