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10,000 Reasons (or less, like maybe 10) Why Snow in March is Better Than Snow in April (or May, or June, or July...)
2003-03-30 - 11:11 a.m.


10,000 Reasons (or less, like maybe 10) Why Snow in March is Better Than Snow in April (or May, or June, or July...):

1) The snowplow drivers, having been so bored since the last snow, are so excited to plow that they actually get out and, well, plow. Even the side streets.

2) When you look out your window for the first time to see the offending white stuff, your first reaction is naturally along the lines of "!!@!&^%$#!!" But then you realize, "Hey, it does look sort of pretty outside. (you break into song) I'm dream-ing of a White Easter! Just like the ones I never used to know! Where the tree-tops glisten, and children listen, to hear the Easter Bunny in the snow!"

3) The cat, who is by now used to staring out the window and looking at the frolicking squirrels, and subsequently jumping down and running around like a cat who has been staring at the squirrels for too long, actually can calm down a little bit, because the squirrels are all in their warm squirrely hiding places and she has nothing to watch.

4) The kids are very excited to see snow again. Even with a couple inches they already have their fingers crossed for a couple feet more. So therefore, if coerced, they might be willing to clean off your car or shovel your sidewalk. Because, after all, the blizzard of the century might be coming soon. Therefore they need a clear path from their front door to the car which will take them to the mall, so they can buy shoes. In less hearty climates, snow induces the so-called "milk panic", in which everyone runs to the store and buys all the milk when the forecast calls for any amount of snow whatsoever. Elsewhere the rare snow day brings on what this shoe schmuck likes to term the "shoe panic", in which everyone runs to the mall (which always stays open :-P) and buys shoes like there is no tomorrow.

4) It is a great deal of fun to say this to out-of-state college students, when they are gazing at the snow and looking bewildered: "Hey, this is nothing. I remember the year it snowed on Mother's Day! Nothing like a good snowfall in the middle of May to make you enthusiastic about choosing a school in such a place, eh?" After saying this, of course the poor kids from Florida look like they're about to cry, while the hearty "local" looks smug and walks away laughing.

5) If by chance your demure Southern grandma should hear of such a late season snowfall, she'll turn up the heat a little bit higher in her house (I'm not sure, but I think she still thinks of an outside temperature of 70 as "winter jacket weather"), tut-tut in sympathy, and prepare to send you a little extra Easter money. ;)

6) April Fool's Day is coming up. By unlucky chance, if there were snow on the ground, Mother Nature would be the big winner in the practical joke category. And I think we owe her that.

7) Of course, with any amount of snowfall at all, it gets more amusing to watch the drivers of SUVs speeding by thinking they are God's gift to the road. For a few miles, anyway. Because then they end up in a ditch and you can laugh at their stupidity.

8) Snow is inherently evil. Basketball is inherently evil. Which is why it snows during basketball season. It's as simple as that. Which is why snow in July would be absolutely uncalled-for. Who wants to sit through Dollar Night at your local minor-league baseball stadium in the snow? If you go up and buy six beers and six hot dogs at a time (just because they're a dollar), why would you want to do so shivering? Alcohol, while it gives the illusion of warmth, really makes you colder for some reason that I learned in health class but obviously forgot. Therefore you would have a bunch of frozen drunks with beersicles.

9) In the grand scheme of things, there are only two seasons- winter, and construction. Equinox, Schmequinox. March is still wintertime.

10) Lazy-ass people like me, who might be outside riding their bikes if the weather was nice on a day off like today, instead have time to sit here and let their posteriors mold into the shape of their chairs and come up with stupid lists such as this one. And that, my friends, is the best reason of all why snow in March is secretly a good thing.

With that, I bid you Achoo. Or is that adieu? Damn snow. ;)

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