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dead (inside)
2003-05-07 - 6:54 p.m.


Well, I just saw X2. And you know what? I cried. I cried at a geek movie. I guess that makes me, what, a geek? Heh. I think that is one fact that will never be mistaken for fiction now.

Um, at werk this morning some guy was yelling "Is there anybody in shoes?" as I was standing ten feet away out in the center aisle. I walked over and said "Yes, I'm right here. There's no need to yell." Hehehehe. A good customer service type person would not have added the last part. But, as a matter of fact, I don't give a shit. Why should I? I'm very, very tired of dealing with these fucktards. Very tired. I'm very tired of writing about it, too.

I actually convinced my dad to give me a ride to the theater. And yes, I went to the movie by myself, I am a geek (and a loser) remember? Anyway, as I sat there waiting after the movie, I got hit by that very, very desolate feeling again. Like when I was watching the turtle swim across the pond on Saturday. I was just watching the people walk by, get in their cars, light up their cigarettes, go about their business, and it all seemed so far away. Which, of course, makes no sense at all as I was standing right there watching it happen. Or does it? Life has become something to observe, as opposed to something to participate in. Which is eerily fitting, because a year ago Monday, the facade of meaningfulness and the aura of participation fell away, as easily as the act of taking off a cap and gown. A whole fucking year. Down the fucking toilet. Damn.

Werk tomorrow and then no werk again till Monday. I have to come up with both a gift for and a mask of interest to wear to a bridal shower on Saturday. I have no desire to talk to happy people I knew from high school right now. No desire to talk about just how I should play the bloody Pachelbel Canon at the wedding. None. What I want is to go on a drive, somewhere, anywhere. Or better yet, nowhere. Just to see that the world still exists outside of the route between my house and the stupid mall. Because, with few exceptions, that's all I've seen for a month.

Off to make some more sweet tea and curl up with my cat, and "Wuthering Heights". That book is a good friend that never abandons me for other people who are more interesting.

*sigh*

I need a hug. A real one, unfortunately.

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