Yeah. Aren't sitemeters and stats pages so much fun when you're bored? :-P

**************

Anyway, this entry will mostly be for the benefit of my own mopeyness, so be warned. Well, last night I was feeling adjective-y. I kept thinking of lots of good ones to describe myself, and they kept leading to other good ones, and it went on and on into a dark melancholic cloud until I fell asleep.

-Stupid was a big one. Like how I'm stupid for not being in school right now. And even more stupid for assigning fake reasons as to why, especially since I'm still letting the e-mail from Satan bother me. I am NOT a bad flute player. But it's the other things, the little annoying things that she'd say to me, the things that were really none of her business, that really left me feeling like a bowl of three month old jell-o at the back of the refrigerator. Like a stupid (haha, there it is again) quivering non-entity. Making me question what in the hell I thought I was doing about well, anything! Which, in turn, relates to

-Scared. I'm not in school now because I was scared. Scared to climb out of the comfortable little hole I've dug for myself over the years. Am I stuck in a hole, or am I

-Sheltered? Naive? Innocent? I'd guess I'm probably all of those things. In many ways circumstances have outfitted me with my very own pair of rose-colored glasses, complete with blinders on the sides. In a way, this makes me

-Boring, because I'm

-Quiet? Shy? Reserved? all of which again lead back to sheltered? naive? innocent? It's a vicious cycle.

Bah. I had more adjectives last night. But still, I guess the point of all of this is, that annoying pesky little voice at the back of my head still keeps saying that things WILL get better. But I'm getting impatient. I want to know when. I want specifics.

I miss my sister. She'd give me a hug and say everything would be okay. And then she'd slap me upside the head and call me a dumbass for being such a whiny little brat. Which I am! Gyaaaarrrrgggghhh. Maybe someday I'll grow up. Probably not anytime soon.

I guess I'll go be a geek and continue to listen to the soundtrack to TTT and wallow in my silly stupid little problems (oooh yeah- another adjective was selfish- what a dirty word, but I think it's the truth), and just watch the world spin by. It's like the title of that book by Madeleine L'Engle. "A Swiftly Tilting Planet". Yet all this tilting seems to happen without my noticing.

Ugh.

0 comments

previous - next

Designed by georgedorn and provided by Positronic Design.
Grab your own copy here.