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Sorry about this :(
2003-01-20 - 11:12 p.m.


Pardon me while I'm miserable for a bit. I'll try to be happy and goofy again tomorrow.

I guess the January blahs can strike regardless of the weather. The little snow that was on the ground melted this afternoon. It was absolutely gorgeous out. I was sitting outside earlier. I saw a plane flying north and some stupid part of me wanted to wave my arms and scream "Take me with you!" Yeah. I came inside and sat in the dark and listened to lots and lots of Radiohead.

Right now, I'm listening to Jacqueline du Pre play the Elgar Cello Concerto. Damn. This piece is what misery sounds like. I don't mean the sound of sobbing into a pillow. I mean Misery. Granted, she didn't lead the happiest of lives (go watch the movie "Hillary and Jackie"). Seriously. To have that much talent, and... love? To have love, and then to have it all taken away. To be loved. What is that about?

Oh, what the hell do I know? Like my sister says, I have nothing real to complain about, except being stupid and dull and quiet and shy, and those things are all my fault. I can only be myself. What if that's not such a good thing? What if I want to be somebody else, like maybe an interesting person that people regularly randomly call up just for the sake of hearing their voice? But my problem is, haha, I never let my voice to be heard to begin with.

There is that part of me that is the eternal optimist. It's a tiny part, the size of a bug. I just want to step on the thing. This bug says things WILL get better. I want things to be better NOW. I want to step on that damn bug.

I just want a lie. You know, some fake reassurance. Everything will be okay, honey. You're not a bad person for not being in graduate school right now. You're not boring. That sort of thing. Somebody to lure me out of the dark corner. I've been there for a while, really, but lately I've just gotten quite good at hiding it.

I just want a hug. I want some ice cream. I want to go home. But before all that, I want a little time to be mopey and miserable, in peace. Goodnight.

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