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This one's for my sister
2003-01-13 - 11:43 p.m.


Argh. It's just not fair. My poor little sister. She has to deal with so much of, well, everything. A crazy school schedule, plus track, drama, and band, and friends that have such terrible problems. I won't get into those here. Yikes. But she starts to feel like no one ever listens to her. Like she is not allowed to have problems, but instead she has to deal with everyone else's. I guess she was also cursed with being a "good listener", like I am, but yet, the things she has to listen to! And throw in my pitiful whining on top of that all. Which means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things.

She was also quick to take the wool off of her eyes, and see our family for what it really is: a bunch of alcoholics on one side, and well, simply stated, a bunch of crazy people on the other. Whereas I, seven years her senior, went on for years thinking that life in our family is as pretty as it is in the various picture albums lying about. How stupid and naive I really was. But, being forced to move away from the only place she'd known, I guess she grew up so much faster.

So I suppose it shouldn't surprise me that she is so jaded and cynical. That she says she hates people. That she realized long ago that everyone in our family is a complete and total fuckhead. That she's fifteen but yet she's so old. I'm wrongly comparing her to myself at that age. I realize now that I was an entirely different person. I may have shared her same idealistic liberalism (which probably influenced her thinking, whether she likes it or not), but my friends in high school were so utterly normal. Two parent homes with 2.3 children and a dog and soccer games and a minivan and a church membership and that sort of thing. This normalcy must have rubbed off on me, in some way. Not in terms of popularity- I assure I was little more than the smart, quiet band geek. More like the old idea of the rose-colored glasses. I didn't know what real problems are- I'd never seen any.

Maybe the times have changed. Maybe the people here are just completely different. Maybe my sister is a completely different person. Actually, scratch out maybe in front of each of those. Each statement is the truth. But it bothers me so much that I can't do anything. I can't stop that endearingly annoying little kid, who named all of her baby dolls "Robocop" (can you get a sense of why my parents are screwed up- that they would let a three year old watch that?) and followed me around all the time, just to be with me because I was the big sister and somehow that made me cool, from growing up, in such a crappy time and place. But I know she'll be the stronger person for all of this. I didn't think for myself, completely, till I got to college! She does this now! Unlike me she never cared what other people think of her. She's going to do something great, I just know it. When she's president, she'll let me sleep in a dumpster behind the White House and she'll let me play my flute for booze money right in front. Because like I said, everyone in my family is crazy or a drunk and therefore I'll be a crazy drunk by the time I'm 35.

So the moral of the story is, Kiddo, I know you get sick of my whining so you're probably not reading this anyway. But you're a better person than me. You really are. You listen to my crap, even though that's the last thing you need to do. You tell me that happiness is just within my grasp, but I am always too stupid and stubborn to listen to you. You are your own person, I never was. I was always who everyone else wanted me to be. And you're yourself. And that is a wonderful thing. I love you kiddo.

In other news, "Watership Down" is getting good. So I'm going to go read now. Goodnight all.

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