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"the same old fears..."
2002-12-20 - 1:08 a.m.


So. In the mail today came this 2002 register of graduates. There are a goodly number of Sara(h)s who are new alumni. One discussion group I had once had seven Sara(h)s. I think that is a new record.

Anyway, I can�t help but look at the �magna cum laude� by my name and get really annoyed. Perhaps, I didn�t tell this story before, but I like to blame my 3.77 (that�s three HUNDREDTHS of a point away from �summa cum laude�, mind you) not on my own academic shortcomings, but on my flute teacher. There was one semester when for no reason, I got an A- for flute lessons instead of an A. I didn�t think anything of it at the time, until she told me she had had it fixed, a YEAR later, because the band office had filled in the wrong bubble for the grade or something. So at the end of my last semester, the grades were posted online, and when I mention to my dad that I was going to get about a 3.7 something, the first thing he said was not �Good job� but instead �Why don�t you see if you can get a grade changed?� My grades for last semester were pretty well fixed the way they were- I definitely earned a B in the evilly boring 8:30 AM adolescent psych class, and in my other psych class the professor was evil and I was quite happy with my A-. All my music classes were As. So I look up past grade reports, and see a random A- for flute lessons a couple semesters earlier. I thought maybe it was a similar situation to the accidental A- that I had gotten before. I asked my flute teacher about it. I got this e-mail in response:

**********

Dear Sarah,

Thanks for your question about your grades. Unfortunately your grade for spring semester was indeed an A-. That was the semester of your junior recital. I felt that your performance at that recital as well as your preparation leading up to the recital wasn't at the level that would deserve an A. You seemed to have a sort of "breakthrough" this year. I felt that you were less rigid and more open to hearing what I was saying. You seemed to get better results from your practicing both technically and musically. You showed a lot of improvement so deserved an A both semesters. I'm sorry that you were so close to getting a summa cum laude and that I can't help you pull your GPA up any higher. But congratulations on your magna cum laude! That's still a great accomplishment!

You know that I still have worries about your future in the music business. It is very difficult to win a full-time orchestra position even when one has a strong background. I hope you will keep an open mind towards all possibilities in the music business. Learn as much as you can at (planned graduate school) from your new flute teacher as well as everyone you come in contact with. Try your hand at private teaching this summer. Try starting out with elementary students first. Contact the local band directors to let them know you are available for summer lessons. Ask them what is a customary fee in the(my hick hometown)area for a 1/2 hr lesson. With middle and high school students I like to teach 45 min. lessons or an hour if they are serious students or planning to major in music. Plan a recital at a local church. You'll have to pay your accompanist but it will give you more purpose for practicing as well as local exposure where ever you are living in the future. Attend summer programs or master classes when you can also. Your (planned graduate school) teacher will have different contacts so ask her advice a lot. Also, try to get your driver's license this summer!!!! Don't put it off any lomger!!! It's a must if you want to do any free-lance performing. Only cities like New York have good public transportation! Are you staying in (hick hometown) until time to move to (planned graduate school)? I wish you the best in your future endeavors! Keep your practicing up this summer so you have something really well-prepared for your first lesson and auditions at (planned graduate school)! Please feel free to contact me anytime if you have questions or concerns. Best wishes! -Mrs. (Evil Flute Teacher)

**********

Basically, this e-mail destroyed me. Not only does she insult my flute playing (which she did often enough for me to at least begin not to notice), she insults my intelligence, and the fact that I don�t have a license. I realize that this is a problem. But it is not her problem. Although she always seemed to think it was. It must have been a joke to her to realize that I was auditioning for grad schools at all. I can remember the look of surprise on her face when I told her about the first acceptance letter. I was accepted to all three schools I auditioned at. Yet I heard more about how her daughter, the brilliant voice major at some state school, was getting a full graduate assistantship in voice at some bigger state school. I am not a brilliant voice major. My mother is not an orchestral principal flautist who wrongly believes she can charge snooty rich little high schoolers $45 an hour for a lesson. My parents know little enough about music as it is. I played a hand-me-down ancient Bundy flute until 10th grade when I got an intermediate flute that was only marginally better. I still have this flute, while people in college are upgrading to expensive flutes worth thousands. I fought tooth and nail to get where I was. Getting into music school was one of the happiest moments of my life. Music is what I *have* to do. I am too sensitive to take people telling me that I can�t do it. I start to get depressed, and believe them.

Perhaps I am being completely anal to obsess over three little hundredths of a point. Or perhaps I am wrong to find a scapegoat for my own faults. But too often I find good things so achingly close, yet still out of reach. Sometimes I just wonder �why?� Then, I realize that maybe pointless wondering all the time does no good at all.

Unloading this has helped. Forgive me if I have bored anyone too much. Goodnight all.

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