Well, I haven't been motivated to do much of anything besides watch novies on TV all afternoon. There's nothing like the occasional estrogen-filled double header of "Fried Green Tomatoes" and "A League of Their Own". And then "Restoration", which is simply a beautiful movie. Pretty things make me happy- like this silly picture of the mountain laurel on the top of the page here. A silly picture on a computer screen is a poor substitute for the real thing, however.

I guess I feel defeated in a way. By depression, or more likely by myself. I went to the store to get Christmas cards, and I wandered around, looking at all the wrapping paper and plastic toys and Russell Stover boxed candies and for the life of me I couldn't find a meaning to any of it. Christmastime usually brings me such joy, as a "holiday season", it's usually a much looked-forward-to time to rest and be with your family. I can't help feeling like I don't deserve such joy anymore. Maybe it's silly. No, it is very silly. I do actually get tired of whining all the time, although you might think otherwise if you read my silly babble regularly. I'm just so tired of being alone. I'm just a big baby and it's a cop-out for me not to make important decisions by myself. But I can't help but wondering if I had had a friendly ear and a friendly face around all the time, someone that I could whine to in person, maybe even a shoulder to cry on or a hand to hold along the way, I'd be less miserable? If someone really understood. If someone noticed.

But there again is the losing battle. It is entirely wrong to blame anyone else for my melancholic state of mind or my mistakes. I always was an outsider, even when I was part of a group. Call it shyness if you will. Whatever it is, it was always hard for me to warm up enough to people to make friends. The resulting attachment once the actual "warming-up" occurred becomes all the more painful when it is broken on the other end. And it is not anyone's fault- it's just human nature to gravitate towards the curious, the interesting, the bright lights, the shiny and new. If anything it is probably my fault for not being any of those things. Or is it still another defeat to even blame myself? Am I completely self-absorbed to sit and wallow in my misery anyway?

Well, I'm going to go watch the rest of this movie and stop thinking out loud. I'm making my head hurt. Stupid pointless weekend off.

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