Queen - "Somebody to love"

Billy Joel - "Piano man"

Dashboard Confessional - "The sharp hint of new tears"

REM - "Everybody hurts"

Jeff Buckley - "Hallelujah"

Pink Floyd - "Wish you were here"

Radiohead - "Creep"

Nirvana - "I hate myself and want to die"

lather, rinse, repeat ad infinitum....

I just want to hug these songs. Has a piece of music ever been so tangible that you just wanted to hold it close and let it wrap you up and carry you away? I just want to hug these songs because they're me right now. And I need a hug.

********

Yeah. Please read my last entry and feel free to ask a question of yours truly. But I just have to interrupt this experiment for a regularly scheduled burst of whining.

Maybe I only continue to make things worse by continuing to dwell on the crap that I do. But just to reiterate, here it all is again (oh fun :-P):

-I hate winter. Snow. Cold. Gray, overcast skies. This all signifies emptiness to me. And of course, the coming of winter this year is particularly vexing to me because it only serves as a reminder that I shouldn't be here come January.... and that in turn reminds me of what a miserable wretched failure I am....

-Consequently, I hate talking on the phone to my mom these days. I guess she's created an impossible standard for me to live up to all these years. She would always brag to my grandmother or the people she worked with about every good report card. The acceptance letter and scholarship package to college. Flute recitals. Acceptance to graduate schools. Now that I'm not in school now, and won't be in January, every word she says to me on the phone oozes disappointment. It's very hard to be "perfect". It's even harder not to be "perfect" anymore and yet still be the prisoner of those lingering expectations.

-Still it is hard for my puny little brain to understand what I did to be forgotten. I have a very big boringness complex. That sounds silly but it's the best way I can describe it. Towards the end of high school friends began to ditch me for more exciting people, probably ones that had cars, and probably ones that were a little more outgoing. Commuting to college immediately marked me as an outsider. Marching band became the only thing I had to link me to campus life. Yet I never wanted to go to the band parties and I never joined the band sorority. I always used to excuse of "I had to get home" if I was invited to some late night soiree. So I still remained an outsider, even within the band. Senior year I tried to remedy this a little bit. I tried to do more. Yet, little by little, I began to be "ditched" yet again. I did a few fun things this summer. Yet throughout the fall I continually got my hopes up, that when people came home for the weekend, or had a free night, maybe, just maybe, they'd take pity on me and stop and see me or at the very least pick up the phone so I could be reminded what the phone sounds like when it rings, and even moreso what my voice sounds like.... if I'm not at work I'd probably go days without talking. I love my cat but she just can't talk back.... But basically I have this irrational fear that I've become incredibly boring so that's the reason no one pays attention. "You shout and no one seems to hear."

-I have a miserable retail job and it really is the only thing keeping me going. My self-worth comes at the measly cost of $6.14 an hour. I have a useless degree and thousands of dollars worth of loans to pay off, and I work part time with high schoolers and community college students who, vapid airheads they might be, are nice kids with steady, solid futures ahead of them as teachers and nurses and cosmetologists and police officers. So alien to what I'm used to- talented musicians who live and breathe for their art. I used to be one of those once. Yet I've become so completely scared of my flute that I can barely pick it up anymore out of fear of what will come out. In a way I had this "perfect" image of myself too. With a flute in my hand, I was invincible. Not anymore. Ever since that seemingly successful chamber orchestra audition. I mean, if they didn't need me, they didn't need me. It's not my fault, right? But my generally melancholy state of mind would argue otherwise.

Well. I guess that's about it. I guess there are a lot of adjectives that could describe the way I feel right now:

broken

empty

gray

lonely

unloved

depressed

forgotten

invisible

quiet

paralyzed

meek

fragile

sad

Those are some that come to mind.

I am of course perpetually sorry for unloading such a whine-fest on any poor, unsuspecting readers out there. I'm also sorry I keep apologizing for everything! *hits head on desk*

I need a Reason. I don't think a Reason reads this though.

Oh well. Goodnight.

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