I believe I've come down with a bad case of November. I woke up at 3 AM and just started crying for no reason. Then I fell back asleep and kept having the strangest dreams in which all these guys kept playing with my boobs. If that was TMI I apologize, but I think the sheer randomness bears repeating.

ANYWAY! The work schedule for next week came out yesterday, and it sucks. Because half of it was made by the ditzy blonde chick (I mean no offense to blondes, it's just that if such a stereotype existed, this girl would fit it to a tee) that's yougner than me and can fire me and several other people that are older than her and have tons more experience. I guess it was her first time making the schedule, because she gave three cashiers close to 35 hours apiece, and the rest of us got less than 12. I myself got 7 3/4. What's even better is than on Thursday, I'm scheduled merchandise and customer assistance from 11-7, and cashier from 5:15-9. That's an hour and forty five minutes of me being in two places at once. Apparently ditzy girl does not know how to read. One other lady and I are on both schedules. As intelligent and naturally beautiful (HAHAHA) that I am, and with as much experience that this other lady has, we find it very hard to be in two places at once. Yeah. What's even better is that I am only scheduled for three days total. INCLUDING the one day (Saturday) I specifically asked to have off. I really hate boring the maybe five people that read this with stupid work talk, but I'm just so unbelievably mad that I need to vent a little. GRRRRRRR.

Plus, to add to my general overall feelings of uselessness and abandonment, one lady asked me if I could work for her today, as I was not scheduled, and I told her I can't and that I had plans. Me. Plans. Barely 16 hours next week, if even that many, and I refused an extra four today because of the false hope that maybe someone would remember I exist. I suppose I could plan to go back to bed and stay there all day. That's always fun.

Maybe I'm just trying desperately to hold onto things that are not there anymore. People move on, life moves on, too fast to notice one silent girl, trapped in her shell, easing along just like a little snail. I just feel so lost sometimes. Or most of the time. I'm beginning to really wonder if I even want to go to graduate school in January. Some little part of me says that that's not "normal". That I would be the "new girl" and I'd stick out like a sore thumb. My playing is absolutely disgusting now anyway. I blame not having the motivation or energy to pick up my flute on my stupid job, but it's more than that. I've lost any shred of self-confidence I once had, even with the one thing I thought I did best.

Should I except the fact that I'll never amount to anything, that I'll end up working at McDonalds or back at the grocery store even, never changing, forced to live vicariously through the lives of others, for the rest of my life? My one little cat certainly loves me. If I were to become a crazy cat lady and have one or two dozen, maybe that would ease some of the pain coming from being completely alone. I could probably even live at home with my dad forever. It's not like he would care. He'd miss someone to wash the dishes and do the laundry anyway.

It's so encouraging to know that you are depended on for something.

I'm not going to sit here and beg people for one little trip to Denny's. The thing is, I do live too far away from anyone and I am too boring. So there's no point anymore.

I guess November just takes getting used to. Take it from good old Guns 'N Roses:

I know it's hard to keep an open heart

When even friends seem out to harm you

But if you could heal a broken heart

Wouldn't time be out to charm you

Sometimes I need some time...on my

own

Sometimes I need some time...all alone

Everybody needs some time...

on their own

Don't you know you need some time...all alone

And when your fears subside

And shadows still remain

I know that you can love me

When there's no one left to blame

So never mind the darkness

We still can find a way

'Cause nothin' lasts forever

Even cold November rain

Don't ya think that you need somebody

Don't ya think that you need someone

Everybody needs somebody

You're not the only one

You're not the only one

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