But this is all inconsequential compared to the near fatal experience I had with a killer squirrel.

Actually there are quite a good many squirrels around my house. They sit in the trees, idly crunching their walnuts, and staring through the windows at me, just waiting, daring me to go outside and tempt fate. Sometimes they climb onto the screen of my window and just hang there, making that chattering noise that they do, causing the cat to go berserk, and often making me fall out of bed. Because see they often choose to do this at 4 in the morning. Some squirrels actually live in a hole between the roof of the house and the wall. I remember when there was a bird's nest there. Such pretty little brown birds lived there. Until the squirrels came. The bastards.

Anyway, somehow this morning one of the little devils decided to fall through the gap between the brick wall and the roof of our enclosed front porch. Let's just say it caused quite a ruckus, scampering around. So I interrupt my mad dash to get ready for work to go out and investigate the ruckus. I like the word ruckus and I would kind of like to watch "The Breakfast Club" now. But anyway, I walked onto the porch to see, cowering in the corner, this evil little squirrel putting on an act of fear, just waiting for me to inch over to attempt to open one of the windows to let it out, so it could jump on my head and start clawing my eyes out. Taking my life into my hands, I tiptoed over and opened a window.

The evil thing just sat there.

"Go on! You're free!"

Nothing.

Perturbed, I went back inside, as I was forced to call the cab at that point. As I left, I made sure the window would stay open by propping it up with a plastic toy watering can (don't ask- we have quite a lot of junk on the porch). The stupid, yet evil, squirrel still sat in the corner. I think it may have ran around for a while when I went inside. But I can't be sure. That's like how when you're little sometimes you wondered if your toys had conversations when you left the room. No, that does not make me want to watch "Toy Story".

Anyway, when I got home from work the watering can was still there. But no squirrel. Thank God. Squirrels are evil. Ask my friend Jenn. We were rehearsing for a gig at her church one time and she said that, along with the ghost of the old lady that lives in her church, she saw squirrels running up and down the aisles and all over the pews. She may have said some were hanging off the end of her flute, but I'm not sure about that. I did not see any of those squirrels. I see living squirrels, and living people. Jenn sees dead squirrels, and dead people. Actually now yes I wouldn't mind "The Sixth Sense".

Stupid dead VCR already. But I will do the world a favor and shut up now. I wish I had something to do. Oh well. As a wise man once toasted: "To alcohol, the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems." ;)

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