Yarrrrgh. Well I was just halfway through this big depressive rant when my computer just up and turned itself off. Stupid computers. I guess that's why they made you save your work every five seconds in middle school English class.. that and I was in middle school in the early 90's. Think of the horrors of those God-awful, dinosaurish Macs! All hail Bill Gates! Windows is my religion! ;) Ohmmmmm!!!!! *drool* *slap!*

Well, I'm still feeling a little reflective. As I was crying on the phone with my mother, the retailer, about the horrors of the retail industry and how much my job makes me want to swallow seventeen Sears cards whole and choke them down until my esophagus is ripped to shreds and I bleed internally and die and the coroner can do an autopsy on me and find the Sears cards as they are probably made from radioactive death plastic which is the spawn of Satan himself and then my dad can sue them for $32425599010850971981798795843 which will pay for my sister's education at least up through her first doctorate in neuroetymoleculargeochemicalphysicalmaturationalpaleobotanicalnuclearmedical science (she'll have to pay for NASA training on her own because college will be that expensive for her). So yeah. I desperately need to quit.

Um, anyway. My mom mentioned that there is a new music store opening up in her town. She seemed to think that would be a good place to work... closer to where I'm going to school in January, and 900 miles away from any Reason I possibly had to stay here. Any Reason at all.

I miss people, ok? I just wish even one person would remember I was here and just come see me. I'd even go with them to do errands. I'd go with them to the dentist for God's sake! See how desperate and phone-phobic I am people? I don't want to call you unless I know you're home and not busy. Far be it for me, the most quiet and dull person on the face of the earth, to have the power to interrupt any kind of fun goings on. I realize you won't notice that I'm gone, but you haven't exactly noticed that I'm still here either. Bribing people with food doesn't work, so what else can I do? Beg? Cry? How many nights crying ceaselessly into my pillow out of utter loneliness can I take? Do I have to transform myself into a giant partier, exactly the person I never was and never wanted to be? Are you saying that alcohol is a social drug, meant to be imbibed in large quantities in social settings? A lonely girl, of legal age, who accidently finds a little coke in her glass of rum can't enjoy the gleeful melancholy found in drinking alone? Do I have to become outgoing and confident overnight? Do I have to buy an SUV, a pair of slutty black pants and bitch boots, borrow daddy's credit card, go to campus and hit every bar around in search of fratboy slime? I'm sorry I can't drive and live a little bit farther away than some. Has the road trip lots its sense of adventure? Please, please tell me what I have to do. It's always been hard for me to "let my guard down" and really feel comfortable with people, but once I do, I offer everything I possibly can- a brownie, a sympthetic ear, a hug. My stupid little mind can't comprehend what I did to make people slowly shove off, push away, and forget me. A snail is lost without its shell. Perhaps I'm blowing things way out of proportion. I have been down so long, that every little thing, combined with every other little thing, seems like the end of the world. Perhaps God is finally punishing me for not winning the spelling bee in fourth grade, not playing field hockey in eighth grade when given the opportunity, not getting high enough scores on flute solos in high school, not auditioning for music schools right out of high school, not being nice enough, smart enough, athletic enough, or a good enough friend. Again, maybe this is my overly self-critical mind exaggerating. But this exaggeration takes control of my life.

I just want someone to tell me it's ok. Maybe Someone. And maybe an hour of their time. I'm still here, really.

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