I'm just so tired of being here and of being myself. But there's not a thing I can do about it. There's nothing to do and no one to do anything with.

I'm so lonely I could scream but of course there's no one to hear.

My sister doesn't think that vegetables have self-esteem. Which is probably true. They just want to do the photosynthesis thing and all that. But I think the self-esteem of humans can be compared to vegetables, at least size-wise. I'd like to move mine up from itty bitty baby pea level to at least that of a radish.

Sure, I know. I have no right to complain. I could be at school right now. I spent the summer waiting to be "happy". That never happened, true, but I could have at least thought of the near future. I've always been an incurable procrastinator, especially when it comes to major things. I'm sure I sent my college applications in at the very last second. I got all of those pretty brochures from every college imaginable but I only applied to two schools. I got an application from Princeton (yes I know they've been in the news lately for shady admissions procedures, so that was probably not a big deal- no offense to anyone that goes there of course- what a beautiful campus!) but when I saw that it required three essays I of course kept putting it off until I had more time. After all, why would they accept me anyway? I was only fourth in my class. The valedictorian with the rich parents ended up going to a similar school- she was obviously more worthy of scholarships and things. Now I half-jokingly try to tell my sister that she should go to Princeton. Perhaps to make up for my inadequacies. But she is so smart and so talented that she should (and will) go anywhere she wants to. Ha, even in college I ended up not being quite smart enough. Grades are immaterial in the long run right? Why do I care so much about three little hundredths of a point? Does anyone really know the difference between summa cum laude and magna cum laude? AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH.

I got information from Oberlin and was in absolute awe of the music program. But I was going through a period of doubt about my playing. So that was out of the question. I didn't even audition anywhere as a music major right off the bat. I spent my first year of college majoring in nothing and that is another thing I regret.

See the recurring theme here? I'm putting off living. That sounds funny but it's true. I guess I'm always waiting for something. I suppose I wrongly keep expecting the hand of God to come down and point me in the right direction (that or Alanis Morissette to appear, smile, turn a cartwheel, and hand me a bunch of daisies). I'm just such a spineless jellyfish of a human being. Happiness, in one little way, is just in reach. But that requires stepping out of my shell. And that hurts so much. Just inching one pinky outside the comfort zone is like getting punched in the stomach. I'm a helpless, hopeless, baby spineless jellyfish.

I'm too old to expect my hand to be held through the entire process of life. Of course when you're little your parents make you hold their hands when you cross the street. But someday you have to learn to look both ways and do it yourself. But I'm also too young to feel so tired.

Well, naturally I don't imagine anyone read this entire thing but I'd still like to apologize again. There are so many out there with actual problems. Some are even trying to help themselves. I wish I had that power *smacks head on desk*. I'm useless.

Well no one is going to take me to Denny's anyway, so technically I should go to bed, but naturally I won't. I at least won't write any more of this garbage. Goodnight.

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