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"So you wanna go on tour with a traveling freakshow..."
2002-08-18 - 1:36 p.m.


I tried reading the comics this morning, but they had to go and make the print smaller on everything. Almost 22 might be over the hill, but it�s not OLD. Feeling the need to be like my grandma and bust out the magnifying glass means stop reading and go wash the dishes. At least that�s the way it played out today. :P

So anyway, yesterday I was cleaning my room. This is a momentous occasion that seems to only happen about once a year. No joke. I despise cleaning above all things. So I generally don�t do it. Now, I realize this may come as a surprise to some people who figure that the quiet little geek must be super organized as well. Now this is not quite true�. They might have seen my crayons and glue in exactly the same place all the time in my desk in elementary school, or each book in my high school locker also in its own particular niche, but I assure you, this was only a front. Once I get to music school and they give me a music locker, it seemed as if the water bottles, Altoid tins, concert programs, sheet music, and other miscellaneous garbage would constantly reproduce themselves until there was barely enough room to put my flute in there!

At any rate, it appears as if this practice of general sloppiness can have its disadvantages. Can extensive clutter have a counterpart in emotional baggage? Now anyone who really knows me knows that my room is has always been in some state of disarray, but that I�ve had my moments of happiness. This summer has certainly been a little different in that respect�. So yeah. For once in my life it felt good to clean. I can see my floor! And I found my Scattergories game! Unfortunately the issue is finding someone to play Scattergories with� :(

Tomorrow I should be 900 some odd miles away taking graduate entrance exams and auditioning for ensembles. I know this is a subject I constantly complain about. I really have no right to. Theoretically, I could have done it. The loans were going to be there anyway, so that�s tuition. I know I printed out a list of apartment listings. Some were expensive, yes, but promising. College campuses are swimming with jobs, so I could have found something. ANYTHING. It�s just this summer�.. To be overwhelmed by a such a sense of powerlessness. To be wishing to be someone else more than anything. To keep assuring myself that I would get things done as soon as I became happy. My sister, who knows me better than anyone else in the world, wisely told me that she can�t help me until I help myself. Some things are so easily said�.

In all practicality, money is also an issue, in that, my parents don�t have it. Living at home for four years of college (yes, yes, I know- I�m sheltered!) shields one from worrying about such things for the most part. But I know that most people who are lucky enough to live on campus have to worry about such things at some point. The scary thing is, I�ve made more money than ever this summer (ridiculous extra hours :P) but I know it�s still pocket change in the real world.

I�m so sorry to go off on such an extended rant like this. This is by no means the end of the world. To call my �problems� problems in any sense of the word is just wrong. There are so many brilliant people out there who never get to go to college, let alone graduate school. And I�m going in January!!!! Which isn�t far off. Being the good little girl who always does everything exactly when and how she�s supposed to was bound to bite me in the ass sometime. More than anything I think I just want to find my soul again, to fight the existence that I loathe and embrace the living that brings nothing but joy.

More cleaning today. Mmmm vanilla Coke. :)

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