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More wannabe virtuosos next week on American Flute Diva!
2003-01-23 - 1:44 a.m.


Alright. So I have had an apostrophe. No, I don't mean epiphany. This is not serious enough for an epiphany. This is well beneath a revelation. This is an apostrophe.

Since the Fox channel is *obviously* experiencing a serious lack of reality television shows (surely the constant documentaries, televised operas, foreign films, and otherwise educational programming is starting to get a little bit old), I have come up with a brilliant idea that will fill the void.

�American Flute Diva�

You have the judges:

-Sir James G----- - Irish flautist extraordinaire. The Man. Mr. Flute Diva. Also has a cool accent.

-Mrs. Bitchy McEvil (not her real name)- Principal flautist of the Bumblefuck (not a real place-name) Symphony Orchestra and teacher at Bumblefuck University. Makes everyone cry at least once. During a lesson. Is the world�s leading exporter of diamonds, produced from the lumps of coal stuck very far up her ass.

-The weird guy that works in an office building in downtown Bumblefuck- Played flute in fourth grade because he thought it would �get chicks�. Therefore knows everything there is to know about the flute.

*

The goal:

The contestants on �American Flute Diva� polish off their Prokoviev Sonatas, the �Carmen� Fantasies, their Mozart Concertos, their Jethro Tull skills, and even their Breeze Easy Book Twos for a chance to hear these magic words: �You�re going to Tanglewood.� (that�s a place in Massachusetts where snooty musicians congregate and play music and stuff and try and figure out who�s the best and sometimes have diic- I mean trombone-measuring contests, i.e. �My slide is bigger than yours. I will impress that hott clarinet player over there tonight during our orchestra concert.� �Hey man, it�s not the length of the slide, it�s how you use it. See that percussionist chick with the big maracas? She and I played duets for four hours last night.� �Damn!�)

*

The locations:

-Bumblefuck (not a real place-name)- East coast hotbed for flute players named Sarah. Home of Bitchy McEvil.

-Kennebunkport- People from here just kick ass. The very air exudes ultra-liberalism and a swinging good time. A flute player�s dream is to relocate here.

-Area 51- Who knew that these scientists pickle alien brains by day, and are wannabe flute divas by night?

-Boise- Idaho is known for its potatoes. Potatoes are a source of key nourishment for flute players, i.e. French fries, and vodka.

-Death Valley- We don�t care if you�ve spent 6, 60, or 600 days in the desert. Trumpet players are monkeys and flute players always come up with the best t-shirts.

*

The contestants (some examples):

-Kennebunkport- Lindsay, age 17

Bitchy: So Lindsay, what are you going to play for us?

Lindsay: I�m going to play the Ibert Concerto (a really, really, really hard piece) because it is my dream to become a flute diva because I love you weird guy and I�ve been playing the flute since I was three months old (that is slightly impossible).

Lindsay�s flute: notes nooooooootes SQUEAK notes notes SQUEAK SQUEAK

Sir James: I�m speechless, I�m literally speechless. You�re quite possibly the worst flute player in the world.

Weird Guy: Do yourself a favor and switch to the kazoo.

Lindsay: (runs off, sobbing)

*

-Death Valley- Sven, age 28

Bitchy: My goodness, it is hot. All this sweating will cause me to get a hair out of place. What would you like to play for us, Sven?

Sven: I will be playing example one from page one in Breeze Easy Book One.

Sven�s flute: phkljifgoiurekjdhfffttthhh

Weird guy: So Sven, how long have you been playing?

Sven: Six years.

Weird guy: That�s amazing, because I played better than you in fourth grade. AND I convinced Maisie Smith to go out with me. You�re just not cut out to be a flute diva.

Sven (to the camera outside the audition room): !%@!@#%&*!!!##@!!!!!!

*

-Area 51- Jamal, age 20

Sir James: So, Jamal, did aliens really land here?

Jamal: I could tell you, but then I�d have to kill your flute.

Sir James: Fair enough. What are you going to play?

Jamal: I�d actually like to play �Unbreak my heart� by Toni Braxton.

Jamal�s flute: note note note *really nice note* note

Bitchy: That was great. I say yes to Tanglewood. Weird guy?

Weird Guy: Yes.

Sir James: You�re going to Tanglewood!

Jamal: Woohoo! I love you guys!

*

-The audition room in Boise:

Crickets: (make cricket noises)

Bitchy: Where is everyone?

Weird Guy: Who cares?

*

-Bumblefuck- Sarah, age 22

Bitchy: So Sarah, we meet again. You really think you have what it takes to be a flute diva?

Sarah: You�re damn straight I do. I�ll flash Weird Guy to prove it. (flashes Weird Guy)

Weird Guy: (wipes drool off face) See? See? What�d I tell you?

Sir James: You stupid Americans. So Sarah, what are you going to play?

Sarah: An original composition, actually. I call it �The Mango Farmer Dance�

Sarah�s flute: (if the sound of heaven could be described, this would be it)

Sir James: Thank you God! Yes to Tanglewood.

Weird Guy: Thank you God! Yes to Tanglewood.

God: Wow. I mean, uh, you�re welcome. Can anyone hook me up with front row seats to hear this girl play at Tanglewood?

Bitchy: (looks evil and skeptical) I don�t know. She flashed Weird Guy. And, uh, uh I hate her because she is secretly better than me and she could take my job if any of the conductors in Bumblefuck heard her play!

Sir James: Bitchy, it looks like you�re overruled. Sarah, see you in Tanglewood. And can I have your autograph?

Sarah: (grins happily)Asdkjlkjfsdkshh!!!

**************

There you have it folks. This idea will save the Fox network. I am a genius.

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